I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
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Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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