bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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