I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
