I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
