My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize