If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
