she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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