Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
farters have to be the big spoon...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
