Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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