I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
