one two three fourrrrnication!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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