he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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