In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
that's an acceptable place to lick
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
