Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's blow job season.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
