I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
