im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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