i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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