i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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