The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
