you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
