I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
