you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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