Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
