Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
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nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.