My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
