bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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