Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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