seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
