I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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