I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
