this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
