I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
