shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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