I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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