get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
