mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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