My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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