oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...