Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
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Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?