speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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