pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
