Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
