I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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