Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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