Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
