What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
