you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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