you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive