So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"