My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
