im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
