my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
