Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
