how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
