my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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