I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
