Already got asked if we're dating
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
