You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
