when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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