I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
